Returning?

The last couple of weeks I've been strangely drawn to Christian Connections again. Last month it underwent a re-design, which has improved it a lot. There was a free trial of the new features which I missed thanks to the previously mentioned Christian gathering in tents, but all of a sudden I had random e-mails telling me that some man had 'waved' at me.

Plus, a colleague at work happened to mention a friend of hers who was doing quite well with the site, in fact, was meeting up with a couple of guys at the next Christian gathering in tents at the end of next week. As she described one of the guys I had a strange sense of deja vu - one happened to work at the Guardian, doing something with their website. Sure enough, it turned out to be the first guy I'd e-mailed on the site, in fact, the guy that pretty much persuaded me to hand over money to join so I could e-mail him. [Incidentally, he never replied - bastard. ;)] In other small world coincidences, it turns out that I have a large number of mutual friends with this girl, so I may have to bump into her some time.

So anyway, revisiting Christian Connections it seems that the questions they ask are better and there are more members - so who knows what might happen? I've also just fired off an e-mail complaint (something about questions that don't match what's on the profile - I can be a pedant at times) and maybe that'll result in some kind of freebie...

My eharmony membership runs out next month and I won't be renewing it, so it's definitely time to try something else - the only question is, do I return to the Christians or head out into the secular world?

Not at all harmonious

Just in case you were wondering whether my silence meant that my online dating quest had come to fruition (or I no longer needed to hunt virtually) I can confirm that it hasn't, and I haven't. Life has been busy and, to be honest, I stopped getting a flicker of excitement when eHarmony emailed to announce a new match. 

The problem, I've discovered, with eHarmony is that because it tells you who you've matched with it's something of a waiting a game. If you don't fancy any of your current matches there's nothing you can do except wait for another to turn up. 

Mr Beautiful Eyes didn't respond after I answered his paragraph questions. Perhaps I gave the wrong reasons for joining the site or maybe he wasn't so interested in the interest I suggested me and my partner could share. (I can't even remember what I suggested, but I think it's a dumb question!) 

But, I have a new dilemma. I got an email via the Guardian the other date and it was both funny and from someone half-way decent. Thing is, I can't reply without full membership and I'm not sure I can paying for the sake of one email! 

It's also possible that I'm only drawn to him because he recognised my country of birth. One of the weirder aspects of Guardian Soulmates is that it asks you where you were born and then lists it - I don't 'come from' there, it was quite literally an accident of birth (though one that I'm quite proud of). So for someone to have noticed it, known where it is and have been there is altogether quite impressive. Thing is, his opener was "Wow - you're from xxxxxx!" and of course, I don't - I'm utterly British. Oh well, I guess I can clear up that misunderstanding should we ever get to communicate properly. 

Put your pens down...now.

Gradually, I'm being introduced to the varying levels of communication that eHarmony permits. Today, I got the next level with Mr Beautiful Eyes. [He doesn't have beautiful eyes, but it's one of the things he lists as attractive in the opposite sex - it's about the only unique thing I've discovered about him so far...plus, I have it on good authority that should we meet, he may be rather impressed by my blue peepers!]

Anyway, I wasn't sure what the next step would involve, so logged on with interest. The first thing I noticed was a line in bold type instructing me that:
'You must complete your work and click "Send" within 60 minutes to avoid being logged out.'

Anyone else feeling the exam vibes?? The 'work' in question is another list of questions, this time with space to write your answer in your own words - the excitement! It goes on to suggest that you draft your response in Word to avoid losing your thoughts. This isn't online dating so much as coursework regulations!

On reading the questions, it moves into job interview mode...
1. Why have you signed up to eHarmony and what are you hoping to get from it?
2. How do you enjoy spending your free time? Do you enjoy any particular sports or exercise?
3. Describe an interest you have that you would truly hope your partner could share with you.

I will now have to take some time to carefully consider my response. Is dating meant to be such brain-draining work?

How rude!

Today I received a 'nudge' via eHarmony. Apparently one of the men who'd initiated communication with me last week (who I'd responded to over their bank holiday weekend of free communication) was getting impatient that I'd not taken the next step and was reminding me that he existed...

A nudge is something I'd associate with a friendly game - the kind of thing one sends when you've got a really good rack of letters in an online scrabble game and want your opponent to make their move so that you can play yours and gloat. I'm well-aware of who I'm currently communicating with online (they handily give me a whole communicating tab on my matches for this purpose!) and I'm taking my time, thank-you very much.

Reappraising myself with his profile I remembered that this is Mr Scuba Diver. Someone who mentions spending time under-water in 5 separate sections of their profile (especially one that's partially computer generated) may not be suited to love on dry land.

This also leads me to a recent wondering: have I over-emphasised my liking of physical fitness in setting up my profile? Almost every guy I've been matched with is incredibly sporty - as in, into multiple sports on a very committed level. I know my gym visits are important to me and yes, I object to things that clash with my Monday evening pilates class, but have they misinterpreted this enthusiasm for genuine talent? It's like my year 10 Morrisby profile all over again - where ticking yes to the question "would you like to be a sports star" resulted in PE teacher being suggested as a career option. There's a big difference between sitting on the sofa watching Wimbledon, imagining winning the final and actually being good at sport!

Being guided

So, in the weird world of eHarmony, the first actual communication you get with a possibility is a 5 question multiple choice quiz. I've taken the strategy of sending the same questions to all matches I like the look of - mainly because I can't be bothered to keep choosing new ones, and they're fairly important criteria.

I'm not entirely sure what these questions say about me, but this is how I judge the responses:

• If you decided to stay at home for the evening would you tend to: watch TV; clean; read; talk on the phone [I'm not so bothered by this answer, it's just intriguing!]
• How many books did you read last year? 0-3; 3-7; 8-12; more than 12 [This needs to be 12+, it's an imperative.]
• If you went out to eat with a friend, which of the following would you prefer? A nice 4* restaurant; a basic steakhouse; an undiscovered hideaway; a hole in the wall with great food. [Steak house is a definite no - the others are all fine.]
• How do you feel about food? Gourmand; eat healthily & consume little; like it & occasionally eat large meals; eat three regular meals a day. [This is more so I know where I stand - especially if there's a foodie in the offing!]
• If I had a bad day, what is the first thing you would do for me? Cook you dinner; rub your shoulders; talk with you about your day; take you out on the town. [Talking, rubbing shoulders & cooking would all win...]

Lest you fear that this is totally impersonal, eHarmony does allow a little creativity - there's an 'other' option for each question. Some bright sparks use this to try and catch your attention...

The food question? Don't just tell me about your eating habits, throw in a bit more of your personality:

I love to eat food and experience international culture through it.

I enjoy cooking and having mates round.... It's more the company than the food.

If I've had a bad day? Make yourself sound like the perfect man:

I'd put the kettle on and make tea, followed by a shoulder rub and talking about your day. Really depends on the situation.

Can I cook you dinner and then take you out for a drink? Awww, since you asked so nicely, yes you can!

Or, just make yourself sound a tad desperate: Talk to you and do what ever is necessary to do. Well, if it's 'necessary'...

Interesting stuff, yet I can't help wondering if this just makes me even more judgemental than simple profile watching! 

A sucker for a special offer

Last night I was seriously toying with the notion of actually paying for eHarmony. I reached the credit card stage a couple of times and then retreated. I'm glad I did - today I got an e-mail offering me 3 months for the price of 1 which is a veritable bargain in any (paid for) online dating situation. And thus, month two is kicking off with a farewell to Christian Connections and hello the eerily computerised world of eHarmony.

Some things remain the same...amongst my current matches I've spotted one guy that was also on Christian Connections. Spooky.

So, now that I have full rights, I've been making the most of it and firing off 'communications' left, right and centre. Whilst the computerisation might feel impersonal, it's actually way easier to express interest in people. No awkward first e-mails - simply a 'guided communication' consisting of 5 questions.

Yes, the questions are a little inane and multiple choice, but do you know what? It requires little thought and helps with the filtering process. I've already excluded one guy on the basis that he thought a steak house was a suitable location for a meal out...

My other discovery relates to a previous post. You know I said women shouldn't post photos of them with children? Well men totally should! I spotted one guy who looked promising (he's into publishing and is currently writing a musical) and then found a photo of him with a baby - I practically swooned. [And if anyone is reading that description and thinking: "Erm, writing a musical? Are you sure you're the right gender for him?", fear not, I have highly advanced gaydar...

Oh, and in case you were wondering, I'm dropping Mr Long Replyer. It feels mean, but my heart's not in it, so that's final. I really just need to remember to e-mail him before my subscription runs out.

Over-enthusiasm

Just as I was starting to feel guilty that my lack-lustre e-mail to Mr Long Replyer had offended him to the extent that he was scared off completely I received another lengthy epistle...

It's at least five paragraphs long, although I've not read it properly. I saw its length and promptly gave up on reading it! (It should be noted that at the time I was in a an extreme state of tiredness following a weekend away, I wasn't simply being flighty.) The thing is, his last e-mail - entitled 'knock, knock' and querying why I'd not replied to his first post-date communication - was rather intense in terms of content. Apparently if he had my number he'd have phoned by now. It's all getting a bit much and I'm even less inclined to go for a second date than I was initially.

Also, and this says a lot for the way my mind works, I've taken against him because (despite not reading it properly) I noticed that four of the five paragraphs within his e-mail began with the word 'so'. Clearly my dating choices are now being governed by good grammar as well as my heart...

In other news, I'm becoming less attracted to eHarmony owing to the number of 'flexible matches' it's sent me in recent days. These are men who don't quite meet my criteria - usually because they're above 35 or live outside London. I can be flexible to the extent of Reading, Oxford or Brighton, but not Rotherham or Londonderry! It does make me wonder if after the initial flurry of good matches, this is all the computer has left for me and thus I'm still in a quandary as to whether hand over any cash to them if this is the quality of match I can expect.

Oh, and they matched me with a guy who played in a bugle band. I know I said I like music, but I'm not sure a bugle band qualifies!

Love via personality quiz

I finally replied to Mr Long Replyer last night offering many (lame) apologies and a tentative 'yes' to a second meeting - we'll see whether he picks up any of my not sure vibes and responds. As a bit of a cop-out I threw in the fact that I'm away for the next two weekends - totally true - but sounds like a cop-out.

Generally I'm feeling disillusioned with the Christian site. Not enough men who seem interesting, or rather, not enough who will actually reply to my tentative introductory e-mails! One of the things I've realised is that while I want a good Christian man, I also want someone with 'edge' - an interesting dimension, something that I connect with. It's hard define but easy to spot its absence! In fact, as if to emphasise Friday's lack of edge, on Saturday I ran into a previous dalliance who has edge aplenty but is a definite no (on so, so many levels) but it seemed as though the timing and manner of our encounter were judged perfectly so that I'd be even less inclined towards Mr Long Replyer.

So, I've cancelled my continuous membership and am looking elsewhere...

First stop is eHarmony, of smiling couples on tube adverts fame. I'd be sceptical about its claims (over 200 American marriages every minute) if it weren't for the fact that a dear friend (incredibly attractive and lovely friend) in DC met her current boyfriend through it and is blissfully happy. True, Girl Glory hasn't been having such a fun time, but a chance conversation with new church friend on Sunday was also encouraging. She'd recently broken up with someone from the site - hang on, writing it down that doesn't sound quite so encouraging! But she said it was much better than other sites she'd tried.

True, the endless questions that form your profile are a trial, but in some ways a little revealing. The tiny opportunities it gives you to show your true colours need to be maximised. In my case, this means including pilates, cupcakes & living in London on my list of 5 things I'm thankful for. (If you're wondering about the other two, that would be my faith and friends & family - see totally normal things too!)

I like the fact that you don't have to hunt through profiles, simply being sent several matches a day. My first batch of five were pretty good and a further two guys have been in touch already (since lunch time). I've just got to decide whether to take the plunge and hand over cash. My Christian site membership expires in just over a week, so then I decide whether to pay for eHarmony or Soulmates...choices, choices.