Cupids, blind dates and beer

I'm not entirely taking back what I said about Ok Cupid, but it did give me my first date in over a year this past weekend. Yes, the vast majority of messages are pointless, but every so often there are ones that are worth replying to.

It also turns out that playing with the site is a worthwhile and entertaining bus journey occupation. It was on my way home one afternoon that I spotted a message from 'London Guy' (an original username...) that was intelligent, amusing, referenced my profile and was worth responding to. [I'm sure my positive attitude had nothing to do with the counselling session I was returning home from.] By the time the bus reached my stop we'd agreed that meeting up was a good idea. My current attitude is that e-mailing back and forth is a waste of time and only builds up false expectations, so why not just bite the bullet and meet for coffee?

As it turned out, we were both going to be at the same Christian festival over the bank holiday and this seemed to be an even better, no pressure, environment in which to meet. I had to keep the time and location of our date secret from my friends after threats of stalking were issued, but a friendly pint in the beer tent certainly wasn't a fearsome prospect. In fact, it seemed ideal...

...until the spontaneous singing of hymns began 10 minutes after we'd sat down. Conducting a getting-to-know-you conversation while the people around you are lustily singing Tell Out My Soul is rather difficult, but we managed it. It was also slightly unfortunate that, when I checked my phone for the time 50 minutes in it turned out that a fellow camper had been trying to contact me for a while owing to emergency tent conditions. Thus the date terminated early, but with a promise of coffee in the capital at a later date. I guess that's a successful outcome.

What's also a successful outcome is that I can finally be a mature adult around Mr Long Replyer (oh yes, he's still around) and not simply ignore him. It's taken several group dinners, a week-long holiday and a weekend of camping, but we're pretty much there. He's a good guy, but soooooo not my type.

What's not been so great has been Good Male Friend's decision to join the world of online dating. His first mistake was to include me in a round-robin email asking for help describing him in 50 words for his profile. My initial reaction? Two words: thoughtless git. (I didn't send that email.) His second mistake was to decide that sending me an email via OK Cupid (once the site had matched us) would be hilarious. It wasn't. Nor was the fact that we got an 80% match - the highest of anyone I've yet found on it. Ouch.

But we move on, if not upwards. I'm still not convinced that the world of online dating is the way to go. Surely it's better to meet people in the real world and get the kick of chemistry that prompts you to want to find out more about someone? To be pursued by someone where the feeling's actually mutual? Or am I simply being a hopeless romantic?

Ok. Cupid?

There's nothing like an online dating success story to prompt you to try something new. Last week, a newly loved up (sickeningly loved up) friend ended a conversation with "seriously, just join Ok Cupid - it's amazing".

Always one to take relationship advice, I spent an evening signing up in solidarity with a fellow online dating explorer. Within minutes, we both had messages (and something mysteriously named 'quivers' which sounds a heck of a lot more interesting than it actually seems to be). Days later, I've received 19 messages, only a few of which were of the "let's chat" variety - though several more were strewn with spelling mistakes and grammatical errors. (Yes, I am that much of a pedant when it comes to men I'll consider dating.)

The real surprise is just how genuinely nice many of these messages are. I know they're aiming to impress (presumably), but to have several guys telling me how beautiful they think I am; or asking how I could possibly still be single; or even insisting that I must be out of their league, is really quite confidence inspiring.

Musing over my received messages with yet another fellow online dater (it's a veritable epidemic, seriously), I was told off for lacking in such self-confidence and insisting that they must simply be trying to get me into bed. Apparently, I should forget the men (well, man) who said I was unattractive and believe the people who insist that I am hot - good advice I feel.

However, despite the confidence boosting, I'm not entirely sure that OK Cupid is where I'm destined to find true love...

A simple way to make online dating fun...

...do it with a friend.

Specifically, a friend who will giggle with you about it and send you amusing/interesting profiles to read, while also on the same journey as you.

Colleague has become a highly entertaining feature of my latest foray into Christian Connection. In fact, I have more CC mailbox messages from her than anyone else - last night I got super excited that I had new mail, then I discovered it was from her. Plus, it's also good to have a banter partner ready to bounce ideas off. I've just engaged her in a brief email discussion regarding the pros and cons of first email jokes. Very useful.

It's also very good at helping you not take the whole thing too seriously. Online dating has to be held onto lightly, else you risk being offended every time a guy doesn't respond to a wave or message, or looks at your profile and does nothing more. They reassure you that you come across well in your profile; that you've chosen the right photo(s); that the glasses on that guy are cute; and join with you in swooning when a cute-ish guy includes a baby in their profile photo.

So, if you're doing this alone, come out into the open and find yourself a wingman or wingwoman - you won't regret it!

Continuing lessons

It's amazing the difference a year or two makes in this whole area. This time round, I am taking things both less and more seriously. Less in that I don't mind if people ignore me; more in that I have a strategy and I'm making myself do things that I might not have usually done.

The strategy works like this:

• I 'wave' at any one who looks interesting and who I'd be happy to have coffee with.
• If they wave back, I automatically send them a message.
• If they're not a full member, I send them a message including an alternate email address I've set up expressly for this purpose (see, taking it seriously!).
• If they don't wave back and I'm really interested, I message them anyway. 

So far it's having mixed results, but that's ok. Mr Coward hasn't replied to the message I sent him last week - one of his suggested I contact him via Facebook, but I'm not willing to expose that much about myself so early on. Someone I'm very keen on hadn't replied to my wave, but had looked at my profile a couple of times, so I sent them a message last night - we'll see what happens next. Someone else immediately responded to my wave with a message that was rather lovely, and someone else has emailed me at my alternate address. I think that's good going for 7 days...

About the alternate address...

This is a fabulous idea. I'm not too keen (given my slightly unusual surname) to get my full name out there immediately, or to give people something that easily leads them to my Facebook account or Google profile. So instead, I've created a Gmail address that includes my account username which autoforwards all mail to my regular account. From there, I can choose whether I send mail as me, or the alternate. Simples. 

In the mean time, I've learnt several things:

• Including a photo of yourself with a Bishop is a surprisingly good tactic. (Colleague did this first - I laughed, she informed me that she'd had an email thanks to it.) I've now had one email appreciating mine. Wow. 
• Man + baby + profile photo = swoon. 
• I'm pretty sure I'm not up for dating a guy who'd respect my purity to the extent of not kissing me till our wedding day.
• I'm also not up for a man whose response to the TV section of the profile is 'TV: full of sin'. 
• A surprising number of men feel it's appropriate to include photos of their dogs (just their dogs) on their profile. One man - the sinful TV guy - included a photo of his church building.
• There are a lot of strange guys out there, but there are some gems too. 

Jumping back in

It's January, and like many a lonesome singleton, I have jumped back into the pool of online dating.

Actually, it's not quite as pathetic as it sounds. I've been encouraged to move my Christian membership up to full, partly thanks to a message from a potential possibility (let's call him Mr Coward) and partly because a colleague has joined and it's nice to share these amusing adventures. In fact, it was logging on to see if someone that had messaged her had ever messaged me that revealed that a message I'd not bothered reading actually had some potential...

Spending an afternoon chuckling at the ridiculousness of my colleague communicating with a man who thought that port, JS Bach and the rise of the Provisional Government in 1917 were suitable topics for early-stage email flirtation was enough to inspire me. So this evening I've shelled out some cash, 'waved' at a few vaguely interesting men with abandon and replied to the aforementioned Mr Coward. I'll give it a month to see what - if anything - emerges.

And what of the last 6 months (or more)? Well, I didn't go on holiday with Mr Long Replyer (he dropped out at the last minute - so last minute that I got off the plane half expecting him to be at the airport), but he's probably going to be around on our next jolly over Easter. We saw each other twice in the space of a week at a couple of dinner parties, the highlight of which was a small gathering where the only men were him and GMF - wonderful. Oh, and I was forwarded an email from him containing very odd references to the 'karmic coincidence' of me organising the next group holiday. Fun stuff. I'll say it again - be careful how you end online dalliances!

Oh, and I reprised my performance as Kate Winslet playing Iris in The Holiday. I had gumption an told a man who had been an idiot that he had been an idiot. I then spent several weeks weeping; a little bit longer being angry; and a bit longer than that wondering where all the non-idiotic men were. 2012 dawned with a new sense of freedom and hope - which can only be a good thing.

Stay tuned for further dating adventures and ponderings...

Not dating, holidays and even more coincidence

Firstly, the June 12th deadline came and went (in fact, I think the challenger forgot about it) and nothing happened. I went on no dates - well, unless you count an invite to lunch with a not-unattractive future male colleague who then paid the bill? (I don't.)

Secondly, it looks as though I might be going on holiday with Mr Long Replyer. No, not a romantic getaway - just an occurrence resulting from our colliding social circles. In fact, I saw him relatively recently and did the incredibly mature thing of ignoring him completely. This bodes really well for a week's vacation...

Thirdly, I had lunch today with a friend of a friend who not only is the girl who went on a date with Guardian Man last summer (after he gave me the cold shoulder), but also went on a date with Mr Long Replyer about 4 weeks before I did. Plus, it turns out that Guardian Man and Mr Long Replyer are friends. People, it seems that that basically there are so few single men in the Christian world that basically you know all of them and they all know each other too. Terrifying.

Fourthly, a good friend of mine went on a date with a guy from eHarmony a couple of weeks ago - good for her! Sadly it was a trifle dull and she won't be looking for a second meeting, but amusingly, that very same day he appeared in a list of possible matches that Christian Connections sent me. I promptly checked his profile to see if it was the same guy - it was - but this viewing would have shown up on his account (sneaky dating websites) and the following day he 'waved' at me. Rather irrationally I branded him a player...

Fifthly, it's wedding season. Life is incredibly depressing.

Challenge

It's been all quiet on the dating front lately - from my perspective at least. However, it appears that the guys at church may finally be getting their act together (though sadly this included Fit Barman getting his act together with someone who is not me).

Sunday night, after church, I found myself embroiled in two consecutive conversations with two different men about the pros and cons of the dating field, especially in a church context. Guy 1 was contemplating a third date with someone and was wondering whether it was appropriate to go in for a pash (he's an Aussie so therefore doesn't use the hideous 'snog') - I think our conclusion was that it was ok, providing he actually liked the girl. He reckoned that guys had got an unjustified bad reputation for not stepping up to the mark and asking girls out, when in fact they are willing to do just that.

His point was supported by Guy 2, who had been on a date the day before. In fact, he was so incensed that the three girls he was chatting with were date-less, that he issued us with a challenge - to have gone on at least one date in the next month. Our deadline is June 12th - the nearest Sunday. We accepted, though I can't help but feel it's a challenge I'm unlikely to succeed in. One of the three is kind of seeing someone, and depending on how that turns out, she'll complete the challenge. The other one's about to go off on holiday, so who knows what will happen there. Suffice to say that I have the worst dating record of the trio.

Still, it's a challenge and I like to rise to them. A month is a long time...